Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
