break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
