She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think my moral compass just broke
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
