That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
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It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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