Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
