it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
