I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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