you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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