tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
