Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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