Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
