So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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