My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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