Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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