I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
