I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
