I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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