She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
