This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
