my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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