The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
