my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
