Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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