I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle