Will you blow on my dice?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
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while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?