We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
