All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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