I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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