I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize