my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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