I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
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We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
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It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize