Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
