Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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