How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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