I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
