I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My vagina just clenched in fear
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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