I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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