i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
