Umm I'm too high to move.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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