Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
