Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
