I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
