well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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