I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
