1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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