I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
