yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I deserve this hangover.
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