So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
