I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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