Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im calling her cock vulture from now on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
