I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
