i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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