your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
