Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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