I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you had me at cake vodka
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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