I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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