I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
