listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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